The Wise Why

Hello, and welcome to the wise wire this morning. I am joined by an amazing, insightful, powerful woman called Philippa Smithhurst. I met Philippa when she came to me and asked me for some help with some backend stuff on her YouTube channel. I was blown away by the subject matter of her book. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am an advocate and a champion for people who have gone through trauma, but as usual, the wise wire is not about me; it is about my guest.

So over to you, Philippa, please introduce yourself.

Thank you very much, Kirsty. And thank you so much for your help with the YouTube, which took it to a completely different level. So I really appreciate it. Yeah, I’m Philippa Smithhurst. I’m a thirty-year trauma psychotherapist, and I’ve just written a book on trauma, which was published yesterday. That’s me. I’ve been interested in trauma because I’ve been interested in people for a very long time. Trauma really is when a great big boulder comes into your pond and all of the water is displaced and everything is changed from there on. Trauma changes us, and I’m fascinated by how and why those changes show up.

That’s it. It’s an amazing book, and this is anyone who knows me knows I’m a child of trauma. I come through for various different reasons, which is why when you came to me, I absolutely adored your book because I’m one of the lucky people; I’ve been and seen someone like you. I’ve done a lot of personal work on myself, but I know a lot of people are scared. I know that it’s fear, and I totally get it because I used to be there.

I wondered if you could just explain why you wrote the book but also what holds people back from seeking help and support from someone like you.

Yeah. Well, I think when trauma happens, I’ve got a bottle of Coke over there with fizz in it. That fizz that comes up in the fizzy bottle of Coke is what happens in trauma very often. We get overwhelmed by fear but also hormones and energy; it comes up in us. What happens to that fizz? Well, that’s the problem really; it needs to be discharged. But instead of that, it tends to constrict—we constrict.

Sometimes that charge also means that we get very taken up by being like a hamster on a wheel, and we can’t get off that hamster wheel. All of that fear and all of that constriction—all that response to the trauma charge—is because we’ve been hurt at the very core of us very often. Something awful has happened, and our bodies do this charge business to protect us from more pain. Our bodies and minds are trying to help us actually survive.

But the trouble is the survival bit starts to have a life of its own. So I think that’s why people get scared, Kirsty, because it’s such strange and confusing territory. We know that we’re not the same; we know we have to keep on doing what we’re doing—that’s what the body and mind tells us to do. We trot around down the same little path; we have a different perception of ourselves and different beliefs about ourselves and the world.

But it’s very hard to think about how to be any different. So that’s why—because I thought there are things that we can do: we can discharge; we can understand trauma; we can stand back; we can compassionately—and with curiosity—try to understand what it is that’s happening inside us.

We might need some help with that; we might need some specialist help—might not though! We can do a lot of self-help too—to discharge and slow down and use our breath. There are lots of resources that we can use.

So that’s why I think we get scared.

And that brings us onto the book because your book—now I’ve had the privilege of reading it—and thank you because wow! You know? There were points in it where I went “oh that’s close.” But what I really loved was the poetry at the end of each chapter; I thought that was really special! You’ve got to read the book just to see it—but it’s also the practical tips.

Yeah! I once read “Twisted Fables for Twisted Minds” by The Barefoot Doctor, and that book changed my life! Reading your book reminds me very much of that book in how it completely changed my perspective on things.

I can honestly say anyone who is whether they think they’re going through trauma or they’re not sure or they’ve got somebody they think is traumatized for any reason should go get Philippa’s book! I’m going to put the tick tape on now and then put it on a few times just so people can actually see where to go and get it.

As we’re talking, I wondered if you could just explain more about the structure of your book and how you wrote it to help people.

Sure! Absolutely! So the idea started in the first lockdown when we had this existential threat coming towards us; we all responded in such different ways. Some people were very anxious washing lemons while looking at paving stones thinking the pandemic was there—other people were disregarding completely thinking there was no threat at all.

So I thought this was really interesting: let’s lay down some common trauma responses! Now we’ve all heard of fight or flight or freeze—these are some defensive survival responses that I was talking about earlier—but there’s also quite a lot more! It went up to 20!

So we’ve got fight, flight, freeze—we’ve got “flop.” Now that’s a very interesting one! If you’re overwhelmed sometimes—the whole body with the parasympathetic nervous system takes over—you faint or go under the radar! It can be very dramatic like I’ve just described or just mean you can’t get off the sofa—and it’s nothing to do with choice!

It’s your body protecting you like animals in the savanna when approached by a lion—it’s their last-ditch attempt at survival!

Then there’s something called “disconnect.” The official word for it is dissociation—which isn’t very well understood—but basically dissociation means we don’t associate with something bad happening around us—so a gulf happens between us and it—and we’re on another side of it.

How this shows up is that we might feel very light or look at everything through plate glass—it’s almost like being numb or cut off or unable to feel anything—in an emotional fog—and folk listening might recognize this feeling! It’s almost like you’ve lost your feelings altogether—and then feel bad about feeling bad—which is another chapter in my book!

Very often these trauma symptoms—even though we don’t mean them—they make us feel guilty for what’s happened.

So I heard a man talking about his brother who committed suicide—a terrible grief—but he didn’t feel grief for years; he felt guilty! And that’s a deep-down response often rooted in childhood—children end up feeling blameful—and they’re full of shame—which is another response we have as well!

The other responses in those third chapters 13-17 are really about how our relationships with others are affected by trauma because this whoosh takes over so deeply—we cut our threads to ourselves but also other people—because those people might be involved in traumatizing us!

We might need them badly but also be scared of them—which creates a real double bind! So we might have an aura of need around us wanting closeness but not knowing how—or latch on quickly only to push them away again—the push-pull!

Sometimes it’s like Doctor Doolittle with animals pushing from two ends at once—you can have this kind of thing going on! If you don’t understand someone’s behavior as part of their trauma history—you might judge them or give up on them—but these things happen as results from trauma!

Of course other chapters are more about how this pain—that wound—really hurts us deeply—and breaks our hearts! We might be so involved doing these responses—that we don’t even reach our painful hearts—and sometimes we’re so locked into our pain—we can’t see anyone else’s pain!

You might see situations around the world resembling this globally—people full up with their own pain can’t see anybody else’s—they’re locked in!

Another chapter discusses how we get caught up like in whirlwinds—in destructive cycles with fear & survival–doing same things getting outta control—it can spiral down badly if you’re around someone stuck in destructive cycles—it’s tricky because you wanna love them but feel powerless watching them hurt themselves!

I’ve included quite some insights about being alongside someone caught up destructively—one thing backfiring logic—it often makes someone more entrenched if applied logically!

But kindness & calmness noticing someone’s pain believing them & allowing them space works wonders—a great question: “What could you do right now just to feel better?” How can I help?

That’s absolutely brilliant! As I’d said earlier on—I was lucky—I sought out help & got support—and reading your book from perspective gives me insight as someone who’s had help—but friends who’ve faced mental health breakdowns too—I see shame & guilt often; your book helps me take step back instead reacting emotionally—instead allows breathing room & understanding!

I’m doing this currently with my daughter—we’ve had big changes—a massive change—she’s faced loss moving forward & struggles dealing with change—all thanks again for your insights here!

People assume trauma must be big—they forget it’s subtle too—not always dramatic either—isn’t that right?

Nope—it can be incredibly subtle—you may not even realize you’re being traumatized—you notice someone’s eyes drifting away slightly—it’s subtle as well as dramatic!

I love knowing you’re helping your daughter—you know—in first chapter—I talk about breathing—it’s first aid for trauma—I believe strongly—we use breath taking steps back like you’ve said Kirsty—it’s wonderful!

And there’s one great exercise at end chapter one where simply breathe:

In on seven…1…2…3…4…5…6…7…and out on nine…1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9

Imagine child’s slide ascending steps little by little—inhaling until maximum lungs filled then long exhale pushing out imagining slide extending endlessly—it resonates well since everyone remembers childhood slides!

You’ve mentioned pandemic—a huge topic for me—I believe children especially traumatized—they went from seeing faces daily suddenly masked strangers maintaining distance—all school lives turned upside down affecting entire generation—not just older folks rationalizing experience but young ones too!

I hope government listens needing more support at schools addressing issues stemming from pandemic impact—moving back though—to before pandemic—what were you doing?

Oh—I know what you’re doing!

Well—I’ve lived quite simply until writing this book while working one-on-one sometimes couples since nineties finding sitting alongside folk fascinating when they come seeking answers realizing something’s wrong or unclear due life’s curveballs thrown unexpectedly entrusting themselves entering processes together over time…

Sometimes single session sharing story suffices—but usually longer journey unfolds learning trust deepens—with each engagement unraveling tangled wool ball like pulling apart strands revealing clarity despite complexity along way…

I’ve found being present alongside individuals transformative especially recalling experiences during China 1989 teaching English students witnessing historical moment during Tiananmen protests experiencing raw emotions—the uncertainty living without knowing future outcomes taught immense lessons regarding importance staying connected amidst chaos…

Though only two years spent there incredibly influential shaping career path becoming counselor/psychotherapist ultimately realizing significance stemming from original traumatic event triggers innate desire helping others navigate similar struggles effectively…

This realization dawned upon writing sharing experiences publicly emphasizing necessity examining past events while fostering curiosity exploring motivations behind behaviors often buried beneath surface allowing healing begin…

Hayley joined commenting she’s buying book right now—amazing connection shared between friends reflecting upon life experiences navigating traumas together growing stronger resilient thriving despite challenges faced throughout journey…

Thanking Philippa deeply appreciating time shared today concluding session asking final piece advice given listeners unaware possibly experiencing trauma response themselves navigating difficult moments transitioning through life circumstances resonating deeply within community surrounding mental health awareness…

If could distill essence into golden nugget wisdom offered throughout conversation what would emerge?

Finding bite-sized actionable step challenging initially yet pivotal recognizing trauma akin chili overpowering soup necessitating dilution adding elements restoring balance amidst overwhelming sensations encountered daily elevating spirits fostering resilience ultimately paving pathways toward healing transformation empowering growth beyond adversities faced collectively moving forward courageously embracing possibilities ahead!